Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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