your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
