she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Randomize
