Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
