the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
