I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm jealous of your bromance
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
