I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
