Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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