I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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