ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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