I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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