Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
