On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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