I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
