Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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