good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
