So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
