making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
