I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize