i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
she woke up with a sticky ear
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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