I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
