Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
