weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
