Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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