dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize