I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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