Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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