I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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