Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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