I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize