She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
