After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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