I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
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