I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
