We're like a lot better than the average bears
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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