i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
