You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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