You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
