my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
