i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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