i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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