Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
