Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
