gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize