We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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