$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
