bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
