Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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