There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
