and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
the liver wants what the liver wants
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Randomize
