At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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