I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
