Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize