I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
