Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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