6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
