I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
