I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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