I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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