you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
