I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
