I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
