Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
