I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Randomize
