I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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