He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
What a dumb baby whore.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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